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‘Black Angus’ skit by Patton Oswalt makes me laugh out loud

Photo of a steak and french fries on a glass plate.
Photo by Kasumi Loffler on Pexels

I was listening to the NPR “FreshAir” podcast from Feb. 22, 2008. One of the segments on the show, titled “An Oscar with your ‘Ratatouille’?,” presented an interview with writer/director Brad Bird and comedian/actor Patton Oswalt.

During the segment Bird describes why he wanted Oswalt to play the role of rat/chef in Pixar’s “Ratatouille” — he had heard a comedy skit performed by Oswalt about the Black Angus restaurant and how the nature and quality of their advertisements had changed and become more aggressive.

Oswalt was convinced to perform the skit during the podcast. As I listened, his performance literally caused me to burst into laughter. Included below is a separate audio recording of the bit (note that the language in the video may not be appropriate for all listening venues).

The full interview had some fun moments too where Oswalt describes himself as a nerd and how he had to contain himself when presented the opportunity to work with Pixar — the complete interview with Bird and Oswalt can be heard at NPR.org.

Patton Oswalt Black Angus Steak Video
Audio Recording of Patton Oswalt Performing “Black Angus”

“Black Angus” script by Patton Oswalt

PATTON OSWALT (beginning his performance): When I fly back to LA tomorrow I am going to the Buggy Whip restaurant and getting a giant ****ing steak.

CROWD (reacts): Yeah, Woo!

PATTON: You heard me! I enjoy steak too much because I hate hippies so much.

CROWD (cheers as Patton briefly pauses): WOOOOO!

PATTON: You know what I mean. I enjoy it more than I think I actually enjoy it. Every time you eat a steak, like a hippy’s hacky sack goes down the gutter, you’re like, “Oh man, oh dude, what the **** man.”

Every time you eat a steak, a hippy’s hacky sack goes into the sewer. Always remember that.

CROWD (shouts as Patton pauses again): YEAH!

PATTON: And I like the… I mean I’ll go to Lawrys and Ruth’s Chris, the really high end steak houses. But I’ll go to the ****ball steak house, I don’t care. Outback, Blank Angus, I’m there. IT’S STEAK.

Not so much Black Angus, though. Cause remember how friendly the ads for Black Angus use to be? They’d be like, “Come on in! Have a steak. How about a baked potato?” You’re like, how bout yeah! I’ll see you tomorrow night.

PATTON (pauses): Table for two, 7:15. Now, the ads for Black Angus, have you noticed how it’s turned into this gauntlet of angry food? It’s like they’re almost like challenging you?

PATTON (imitating a soft, warm voice over from an advertisement): At Black Angus, we’ll start you off with our appetizer platter, featuring five jumbo deep fried gulf shrimp, served on a disk of salted butter, with 15 of our potato bacon bombs and a big bowl of pork cracklins with our cheese and butter dippin’ sauce.

PATTON (speaking as a guest ordering a meal at a restaurant): Your like, um we’re all gonna split that… 

VOICE OVER (much louder and aggressive, nearly yelling): Oh, you’ll each get your own!

VOICE OVER (continues in a sweet tone): Then we’ll take you to our mile long soup and salad bar featuring bacon and cheese cream soup and our five head of ice burg lettuce He-Man salad, served in a punch bowl with 18 pounds of ranch dressing, pork stuff deep fried croutons, and what the hell, a couple of corn dogs.

GUEST ORDERING: Uh, hey man, I tell you what, I’ll just get like a mixed green salad.

VOICE OVER (extremely rude): Hey, I’ll suck a **** on the Golden Gate Bridge before I bring you a mixed green buddy.

RESTAURANT GUEST (stammers, shocked): I.. what? I?

CROWD (cheers)

VOICE OVER (continues again in a sweet tone): Then we’ll wheel out our bottomless trough of friend dough.

GUEST: What? Wait a minute, am I getting a steak?

VOICE OVER (condescending sarcasm): Oh you’ll get a ****ing steak.

VOICE OVER (in an intensely focused voice that begins to build up) Cause then we’ll bring out our 55 ounce Lost Mesa, He-Man steak slab, served with a deep fried pumpkin, stuffed with buttered scallops and 53 of our potato bacon bombs.

GUEST: Oh dude, I don’t think…

VOICE OVER: And then bend over Abigail-May cause here comes the gravy pipe.

GUEST: What?

VOICE OVER: Black Angus, door are locked from the outside, ******!

GUEST: But, no. What, when did I?

VOICE OVER: At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.

END SCENE

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